Twenty (Rhetorical) Questions I Have about Star Wars Episode VIII

(not in order)

1. Why’d they dig up Hugh Hefner to play the bad guy, Scary? (Scarry? Snape? Sinistar?)

Justin Edison's humor blog on Star Wars VIII with chief bad guy Snoke being compared to Hugh Hefner.

2. Is Luke Skywalker really going to drink that?

3. Why’d they put Leia in that scene where Gamora gets blown out the window? (Wait, which movie is this?)

4. How does gravity work in space, to make those super-high-tech bombs fall onto a target?

5. Why does Hugh Hefner have a Cuisinart going in his paper-walled throne room?

6. What happened to all the other ‘kids’ Luke Skywalker trained before the Kylo Ren debacle?

7. Why was Ben Solo (pre-Kylo Ren) listening to orders from Mar-a-Lago, or wherever?

8. Why did they replace the ghost of Yoda with the ghost of Yoda’s pale, cranky, crazy uncle?

9. What was supposed to be down that beach hole before the producers replaced it with a Jack-n-Jill bathroom mirror (or the Mirror of Not Quite Erised, or the Mirror of New Year’s Regrets, or…)?

Justin Edison's humor blog on Star Wars VIII with Rey above a wicked beach hole.

10. Why’d they center the whole movie on a senior citizens scooter marathon? (Move aside, Jason Bourne!)

11. Why didn’t Kylo Ren, after the huge fight with Rey, get to the bridge (of the wrecked ship) and scream, “Yeah, this bitch is mine now!”

12. Where did Luke Skywalker Houdini himself to this time?

13. Who let a teenager write the opening sequence? (“Still holding for General Hux.”)

14. How do Rose and Finn survive playing bumper cars at 60 m.p.h.?

15. Did Rey ever apologize to the Hyatt Rock Island housekeepers for, you know, knocking over their cart of toiletries?

16. How did Amazon Prime deliver the Empire’s, er, First Order’s gorilla walkers (and Kylo Ren’s shuttle) since they couldn’t have been brought down from a dying battle cruiser?

17. General Hux? Really?

18. First Order TIE Fighters only have the range of a Nissan Leaf on half-battery?

19. Why were the sacred Jedi texts located there, in a tree, on a rainy ocean island?

20. What is the limit for lifting lines of dialogue straight from previous movies?